There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
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