Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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