just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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