Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
