On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
