You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is this like a preordered booty call?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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