I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
