Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
