i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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