Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
