I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
