it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
