i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
