i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
