I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
