I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
