i barfeds in our rink
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
