Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
