peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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