I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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