The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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