I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
