I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
