I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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