Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You need a sexual gate keeper
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
