Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
