I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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