The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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