Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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