I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
