You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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