my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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