Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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