what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
