just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
