seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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