Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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