I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
