So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
