you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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