I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
