so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
