i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
