Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
