Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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Randomize
