The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
