Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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