Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
