I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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