did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Randomize
