Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
