You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
